he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
