I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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