You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
