I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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