i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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