I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
