since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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