i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
