Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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