Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Everyone says I win the strip club
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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