I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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