Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Be still, my beating vagina.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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