I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
