living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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