Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
love makes seman taste better
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
