take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
