the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
