An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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