I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
