Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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