i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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