The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
