apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
