I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
