i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
