Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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