I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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