I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
