Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
