She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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