I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
