Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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