I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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