my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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