That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
