when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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