If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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