the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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