the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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