Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
