So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
