Your dad touched me again.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
