The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
