What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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