I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
