Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
