Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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