I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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