I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
