So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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