I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize