Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
