video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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