He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize