All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
