The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
