and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
