my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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