I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
