Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
