i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
