I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
