I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
