Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
