sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
