I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
