Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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