we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
