just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
