Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if only i could text you this smell
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
