I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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