What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize