Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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