It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
