just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
